someone took my heart away. i felt dead, because i cant get him out of my life, because i dont bear to, because i just dont know why. he made me questioned myself, he made me felt my heart pounding hard, he made my heart skip a beat, he made me hold my breathe, he made me speechless, he made me go crazy inside.

recently, im very happy. because i made a wish when i was younger and it came true. i should be contented, i really should. but why am i not? why do i have greed? all these time, sometimes i feel like running away, sometimes i feel like cutting it off, but i did not. i thought i had already get over him long ago, but what the fuck is this now? why is the same old feeling came back to me so strongly? i had not been in this state for a long long time, i almost forgot that i used to be one who did crazy stuffs, who can also felt so weak under someone's else presence. towards love, i had always been a strong girl. i can always let it go and i made myself done with it. im always light-hearted and happy-go-lucky with it. but why im feeling so lousy this time? i felt im such a failure because i cant get over. " i wont fall for him again, that is just puppy love " - yes, all of you had guess correctly, i failed my words. laugh at me*, its okay. im not saying out his name, because i am not going to declare. its not that im afraid, in other word, i am not. i just dont want to make him felt embarrassed because this is a public blog. i am a very straight forward girl, i can do crazy things for love, i am someone bold enough to tell a guy, "be my boyfriend". i am that sort of people. i can still love someone even if he doesnt love me, i am not afraid to love, not afraid to get hurt. but i know where i stand, i had no rights to hope for more because i had my girl, i had my responsibilty for her & i also know my world is far from his. so, friends is what i can hope for. i hope i can treat him just like a friend one day, i hope i can ease the fondness & the kind of idolise feelings i had for him one day, so that i wont feel so weak & so torturing like how it is now.

i was surfing on Youtube to watch some MVs & i came upon to saw Show Luo's. i idolise his dance moves, im not sick of watching them on his music videos repeatedly because it really makes me engrossed in it. other than him, the 'her' artist i would love to watch is Elva Hsiao. & maybe Jolin Tsai. alright, i prefered Elva's dance more. ( no offence to Jolin's fans, its my own preference ) well, anyway i love dancing but i did not learn any from any courses ever before. just did em when i participated in those performances during my kindergarten & primary school time & i feel that i really enjoy it. since then, i often dance at home - ask a few friends along, turn on some pop music, self-invented the moves and then dance like crazy girls! yes, those times that i am still a little girl. i remember Spice Girls was so hot and thus we copied them - just nice we had a total of 5 girls. LOL. when i grow older, dancing will be at the clubs! yes, with bunch of friends. although most of the time i dont really dare to dance in the public, but there are times i did get heat up & dance myself out! that was really shiok!! ; the aftermath feeling of my heart beating really fast, the sweat all over my body, omg~ the moment when i move my body, its just like venting out all the frustration inside my soul. wonderful~ =D that is why sometimes when i get really really stress out, i will locked myself in a room with no one else, listen to the mp3 or turn on any music that i have & i rock my whole world out by dancing freely! that is one of my ways to release stress other than singing. =DD maybe you should try it out too if you havent - cause even the cats & the dogs dance! haha~

she is now 15 months old going 16. can crawl, can walk, can climb, can yell, can shout, can talk. but her talkings are still baby talks, "mum-mum, ah bi, bu-yao bu-yao, pah-pah", her pronounciation is still not clear, she likes to follow actions than to repeat words that we spoke to her. just like what others say, monkey see monkey do. now you do that, the next minute she will do the same thing you did. argh~ cute, but naughty too. anyway, ive missed out alot of edlysia's photos during my absence on my blog for the past few months. unable to upload all the pics she had taken earlier on, as it definitely will be too much of a hassle for a lazy bum like me to do that for now. well, my sincere apology for this. on the other note, for a lil satisfaction to those who loved my girl, i randomly posted these few photos of her from the past months. & it starts off with the latest one i took just few days ago when she is singing ; so, enjoys =P

lolx. pardon me for the dialogue, sounded kinda lame.

best thing to start off a day, is definitely a smile from someone who can make you felt happy. believe it anot, when you're happy, you tends to feel lucky. =D when you're down, everything is just so suay. & when you're angry, anything can just turn you crazy! so this explains; "how your mood can affects your day". although life is not what we can fully control, but in life, we are still given choices that we can decide to choose the route we want to take at every junction by ourselves. i made choices, sometimes it turns out to be a mistake but till the end i will still appreciate it happened. cause i believe things happened for a reason.

be satisfied. be happy.

how many can really do it? i doubted myself eventually. i cannot be 24/7 happy, but at least i tried to make myself to be. recently, some things happened; there are people who made me disappointed, people who made me impressed. yet after everything, im still back on the track because i sincerely thank you for all that had happened as experiences made me grows. at least i knew i am stronger than before now. setbacks, disppointment, sadness, hurt, no matter how unhappy its gonna be, i will turn it into a strength to make me go on stronger. needless to say, happiness can boost me even higher! it goes the same for me towards love, & relationship. regardless of what had happened in the past, im not gonna give up myself in trusting people who i want to trust and believe in true love still exist. i am a realist but i do believe in miracles. im a stubborn girl, im contradicting and unpredictable. many could not understand me. sometimes i dont understand myself too. laugh* that explains why when im getting restless, i do questioned myself too. but when i get back on the move, i will say, "there is always a reason why i am being like this." its just that the reason had not yet appear in my life. love comes & goes, only the one meant to be will stays. i will find it, i will meet the one, it just a matter of when. it could be the next moment, or 10years down the road or even longer or even till my next life or my next next life but it will never be never ever. i am once loved, i had got my perfect love. that is why i believe there is true love. although we are not fated to be together in this life, but what he had gave me is the most perfect love & care i had ever felt up till now in all my 24 years of life. many asked me why am i so persistent on him, who had already passed away for going 8years now? i am not. they thought i had not yet open my heart to others,[ which in the past i also thought maybe i am ], but i did think about it. after soul-searching, i realised its not so. its not that i had not move on, frankly i did. for everyone i had once loved, i did put my heart to love. i talk about him because he really meant alot to me. & i really hope the one who loved me will loved him. it sounds ridiculous, but if you were me, if you truly can understand what i am saying, you also will not want to remove such a person from your heart. it will be there, deep down in my heart forever till i die. im staying stronger because he gave me the strength to move on. every time i am down, restless, sick & tired, i think of him & his doings, i could made myself happy. because i had promise to move on, live on, happily~ for him. i will love & be loved. thats the only thing i can do for him now for what he had done for me.

he is my God, he is my guardian angel, he is my beliefs.

he is Ed.

he, will be my forever love.

but is not my only love.

because i had loved others before, and in future i will love someone else. i still believe in it. i still do, trust me. because before you know how to love, you need to learn how to trust. =D

with buddies.
overdued post.
went to Neverland last Sunday. 14 march 10 as mentioned earlier on my previous post with Mq, Seng & Pris. i really must say i missed the good old times! not only the times when i went Sparks with Mq, Seng and Eileen, but also those times at BoatQuay, Mohd Sultan, M.U, & M.O.S [ e one @ Prince Edward Rd ] with other bunch of friends like Berlinda, Jowell, etc... yup, those techno days. cant deny im old, i couldnt dance like how i did in the past. not enough strength i swear! is my stupidness for wearing high heels when i should have wore something flat so that i can really dance. my legs was sooooooooooo painful. just like Seng say before going, he need to paste Salon Pas. LOL. hais why i didnt bring my Yoko Yoko.? keke~ well, its a pity that Eileen couldnt join us that night. but anyway, i did still enjoy! =D
trying to pose e same. LOL

Pris came over to my house before we headed out to Bugis on Friday.

Took Bus 80, and that bus was kinda cool. i believe some of you might have already travelled with that before, but it was definitely my first time on board sucha indifferent kind of SBS Transit Bus.

oh well, im saying the Nokia Music Bus!!!

which is PINK

& purple.

im just like a small kid who goes "omg, what's this?" haha, & "wah~"

=.=
anyway, the journey was boring because thou its so-called music bus. but the songs that are being played, its totally seems to be mute. cant hear it any clearer! i might as well listen to my mp3.

reach Bugis, & we went for steamboat.

yummy~~~~~~~

after that, went KTV. meet up Seng & Mq too.
its been a damn long time since i last sang with them.
thinking back, we've been friends for more than a decade. WOW~
although we aint very close during secondary school, but we were classmates since Sec One.
so its going 12 years of friendship. me, eileen, mq and seng.
haha, seng was asking me to go for the Canto Sparks Reunion Party @ Neverland Disco this coming Sunday, which is apparently tomorrow, to have some flash-back of the days when we used to go clubbing when we are 16. tempted! so most probably i'll be heading down with them. =D
Pris & Me

his departure is a sudden shock to many due to his age, i believe those who've heard about the news will have the first reaction just like mine, huh omg. really? its a saddening news for me although i wasnt at all, close with him. i had never bother about school's stuff ever since ive step out of that building. all these years, i had never ever step back there. i wasnt a good student, my existence in school was just a name on the attendance book. nothing else i admit. the staffs that ive spoken with most of my time is the discipline mistress and the principal. i am not that notorious as it seems, its just that i had never really cared about studies and school in those days. its like none of my business kind of things to me back then. put aside of my negligence, i am still one kind soul okays. =X well, at least i know where my fault is, right?. recalling back the past, school days is still the best moment of my life. those days when we laugh out loud whenever we wanted, tease the teachers who put their heart and soul to make us learn, now as to think about it, its kinda shame for us who did those stupid acts. maybe thats how school life is all about, isnt it? to me, without those fun and laughters, memories will not be that wonderful. Mr Ng, to me, is a complete stranger. seriously, i dont remember of me talking to him ever in my whole secondary school life other than being called up by him for collecting of my test papers or some sort. although he teaches my class Maths during my Sec 4 days,but i didnt really listen in class, thus i am not sure how well he had taught us. i confess i had never study in those days. i never did. i often sleep in class, thats what i usually do. my impression of him is, he is a strict teacher but he is not that bad, he had loud voice but he had his sentimental side. i remember once he walk by and knock on my desk when i fall asleep during his class, he didnt yell the whole world out of it in class to embarass me. haish. yet again, after all the reminsce, the news flew right back on my mind now. and im commiserated over his departure and maybe i sympathize about death, & the feeling of losing loved ones. how fragile is life. how unpredictable it can be. its a pity~ that is why we'll always say to one another, cherish what you had now before its gone.

march started silently, im so unaware about its arrival till i chanced upon it that day, which is few days ago. needless to say, this prove that i had been in my kuku-world for a very long time. having myself hidden in my thick shell this long and i believe its time to crawl out to let the scorching sun burn my pale white face. the start of march, impulsiveness had ruled me out of my clear mind. no certification to prove but thats what i had believe. slight remorseful feeling still lingers but i am sure i can get it off soon or sooner. anyway, its past. so it goes to the past-tense. *fleew~ & back off. right ahead of me now is another long route. misty, but i still had to walk it out, no other choice, isnt it? things dont fall from the sky, i always told myself that. but yet, i dont seem like im trusting my old words. easier said than done. im on 2 hands for that. im always being affected easily, which often makes me stand still without any strength to move forward eventhough you can still hear me shouting: 'chiong ar." LOL. every step i took now seems so heavy, why? im doubtful. not about anyone but my own self.

"what the fuck i had been doing? wake up!!!!!"

ive said this to myself millions, billions of times.

but it seems that its not effective at all.

darn that. damn me.

that is the reason im still wondering the authentic of my own words. the uncertainty is still on a high rate. my changeable mood, my unstable emotion seems like operating my soul. lots of people had been wanting to slam my head or bang my face to the wall to make me wake up, but its not motivating me at all. why? i felt like a walking zombie with dead emotion, numb. harsh criticism, sarcastic judgements, nags, kind persuasions, made no improvements on me. although there is no definition of right and wrong in life.

but this is not the correct way of living. i knew, but i just dont know why im being like this.